Incredibly Loud and Extremely Small

We've been in our ward over a year and a half and in that time Carson has had one calling: Cub Scout leader for the Bears.  I guess he's just an incredible cub scout leader because they don't seem to want to let him go.

After a few terrifying months of being his co-leader in the cub scouts (there is a reason this group is named after wild animals!), I was called to the work with the young women.  More specificially as the Second Counselor which means that I worked primarily with Beehives (12-13 year olds).  Eventually, due to scheduling conflicts, I was asked to be the Beehive Advisor instead (but it was pretty much the same thing). 

That's been a significant part of my life for the past year.  At first I was a bit more involved as a counselor.  I attended all the meeting and made sure to be at every Wednesday night activity.  But even after I was moved to an advisor position, I still saw these girls every Sunday.  I still got to prepare their lessons and often learn with them and through them.  And, admittedly, some girls were closer to my heart than others and to them I felt more like a big sister than a leader.  Those, especially, I will miss.

I can only assume I've reached perfection in this calling and that is why I'm being asked into another.  That, or God decided that I needed more intense humbling.  Whatever the case, I've been called as the Second Counselor in the Primary.

After one Sunday under the belt, I'm feelin' good.  I even learned a new primary songs with sweet hand moves.  I don't get the feeling this will be a "hard" calling in the sense of time committment, difficult personalities to work with, or basically....anything.  This should be an all around fun calling and I kinda dig all the singing :)

Bigger and better?  How about just smaller and louder?  I like it.

A Pinch of Color

The white witch has gone, the snow has dried up, and the sun is smiling again!  In honor of spring, summer and all that is good and happy.....we added a little bit of color to our lives.  

Mistaken Identity

When we’re growing up the big question is “What do you want to be when you grow up?”  Everyone asks.  I don’t know why, really.  It’s just something to say, I suppose.  But for us kids (or me, anyway) it was the first snowflake in a snowball of anxiety and insecurity. 

I remember drawing a picture of myself singing into a microphone when I was in 1^st grade because I truly believed that I had that kind of Mariah-esque quality and that I was bound for stardom.  My plan was simple and easy then.  I’m not sure at exactly what point I realized I wasn’t quite that talented and that I should consider other non-Diva related careers…maybe junior high or high school.  That’s when the big bad question started to seem more pressing (like if you screwed this up you might as well just give up on life and beg for cigarettes on a street corner with the other hookers).

It’s more than just THE question though. There are these unspoken questions pressing up behind it:  Are you smart enough?  Are you talented enough?  Are you driven?  Will your life’s work make a difference?  Will you be rich?  Will you be glamorous?  Will you be interesting?

It’s a lot of pressure.  You’re trying to define some future self you don’t even really know and it’s like you’re creating some false image for people that you can only hope will come true.  But that’s the other thing: you’re in high school so you’re pretty sure it will all come true and that this amazing you-ten-years-from-now is a total bad A.

We set ourselves up.  We make dreams that we don’t even understand.  We pin such a huge part of our identity on a life we know almost nothing about.

I, personally, had a lot riding on my “dreams.”  Once I figured out that I have nowhere near the vocal range and pure awesomeness that is Mariah Carey’s voice, I set out to find a new dream.  And I wanted something cool and interesting and smart and well-paying and meaningful.  I wanted people to know what I was planning to do with my life because it would mean that I was cool and interesting and smart and well-off and led a life of meaning.  To me, that career was counseling. 

So I did what any determined girl desperately seeking to fulfill her bad A future self would do.  I became a counselor.  Now, this is the part at the end of a Disney movie where the pretty girl meets the handsome prince and they live happily ever after, the end.  Only it wasn’t the end.  It was just the beginning of discovering all that this fantasy dream entailed.  

To be totally truthful, I was proud to tell people I was a counselor.  It felt impressive, like I’d actually accomplished something really cool and interesting and meaningful.  It was an outward identity that made me feel like I was worth something.  The day-to-day struggles of my actual job were almost outweighed by the internal good feelings of worth I felt for having “made it.”  I didn’t want to let go of my special identity.  I didn’t want to have to be like everyone else after having worked so hard.  I didn’t want to walk away from this idea of myself I’d been striving to obtain for so long. 

Why?  Because I internalized the message “you’re only as good as your job” at a young age.  Doctors are smart.  Bankers are rich.  Celebrities are glamorous.  Teachers are important.  The list goes on.  We make jokes about people working at McDonalds and Walmart.  Why?  Oh, probably because they aren’t the “sort” of people who deserve good jobs.  They’re dumb and poor and unimportant, right?

The last thing I ever wanted to be was dumb or poor or unimportant.  I was terrified of having anyone think that of me.  I spent my entire life trying to prove to everyone that I was, in fact, too good to be any of those things.   And, to me, having a job without an impressive title felt like announcing to the world that I was a monumental failure…that I was actually dumb and poor and unimportant.

Let’s fast-forward to today.  I don’t like to advertise this but if you’ve read this far I will reward you with a confessional nugget:  I’m working at a call center.  SHAME!!  That’s not even a joke.  I’m actually kind of ashamed of myself right now.  And here’s the worst part: I like it.  I like it a lot.  It’s a really cool business and the people I’m working with are probably the best co-workers I’ve ever had.  I feel like I can be myself.  I don’t have loads of anxiety.  I can relax when I get home.  My hours are great.  I feel like I’m doing a great job at it and I actually like talking to our customers.  This is easily the most enjoyable job I have ever had.

However, I’m going to qualify all that positivity that by adding my internal chatter to the mix.

“You paid X amount for a graduate degree and all you have to show for it is a job at a call center?”

“You’re a failure because you didn’t keep counseling.”

“You’re career is not impressive or interesting to others therefore you are not impressive or interesting to others.”

“You could get a job making more money if you just went back to counseling.”

“You’re work life isn’t making a difference in the world.”

“You are dumb and poor and unimportant.”

That last one is kind of the kicker for me.  I’m still anxious about the grown-ups asking me what I’m doing with my life.  Will I disappoint them?  Will I reveal that I am actually a pretty lame individual devoid of brains, talent, or passion?  Will I prove to them that I don’t matter after all?

I don’t have the answers.  Part of me says I’m pretty crazed and insecure and the other part of me knows that I’m not the only one that thinks this way.  How could I have learned it if not for the world teaching it to me?

There’s no great way to tie this up in a pretty bow.  As you can see, I’m in strange spot.  I’m fighting with myself, asking myself what I really believe here, and trying to be happy in spite of all the negative messages I’ve taken to heart.   I’ll tell you a couple things and leave it at that.

1 I'm finally happy at work
2 I feel a little bit ashamed of myself for being satisfied with something that doesn't clearly identify me as the person I want you to think I am.....good enough.

Lima Bean Lovin'

I'm lovin' these surprise visits from the cutest babies ever!  Little Kai came to Spokane and he is just the squishiest, littlest, floppiest, perfectest little lima bean you ever met! 

 

He makes the funniest faces and you just feel like the luckiest person in the world when you catch a smile.  We're totally in love with our first nephew!! 

 

A Thanksgiving Miracle

 

 

My mother-in-law, Diane, got her knee replaced this November.  She did great and she's recovering beautifully but it was pretty obvious that she wouldn't be able to create her usual Thanksgiving spread for the 20ish people that typically visit for the holiday.  It was a scary decision but I stepped up the plate (knowing full well that I might ruin Thanksgiving for everyone).  I'm happy to report that I did not ruin Thanksgiving!!  It wasn't the fanciest Thanksgiving I've ever attended and certainly nothing was made from scratch (and I had a much much smaller crowd) but it was edible and tummies were full in the end and that's a pretty good first try if you ask this Thanksgiving cook novice. 

 

Of course, post-Thanksgiving was just as warm and fuzzy.  We sat around nursing our full bellies and Chloe did 7 wild seconds on the laundry basket before she got bucked off. 

 

Then the next day, she let Uncle Carson have a shot at the loose tooth.  Pretty soon, she'll only be able to eat mashed potatoes and jell-o but hey, it's a living, am I right?

 

 

 And then this happened....

 

 

And I just noticed that Carson is in every picture...I guess I just love my photo-bombing, wild laundry basket bucking, tooth-pulling, dog snugging hubby :)

Everything Good Happens in November

Exhibit A:

Carson and I survived our first year of marriage!  I can't possibly go into a short explanation of what that means so I'll try to paint a metaphorical visual for you.  Imagine watching 2 people walk into a cave they've just discovered with looks of wonderment, curiosity, excitement, nervousness, and giddiness on their faces. Now imagine those same two people walk out of the cave a year later with their clothes torn to shreds, dirt on their faces, small twigs sticking out of their matted hair.  One of them has a limp and the other has a bloody wound.  But they're holding hands and smiling because, whatever just happened in there, they walked out alive and in love.  That's kind of what it's like.


Exhibit B:

I saw my favorite book (dare I say, of all time) turned into a movie and it still rocked.  My 9th grade fantasy came to fruition in the most fulfilling way ever.  I couldn't love Ender more than I do now.  And I couldn't love Asa Butterfield any more that I do when I see him bring my favorite character to life. 


Exhibit C:

I met Shelby Bock, part baby/part angel.  I'm tellin' you, this kid could sell some serious Gerber baby food with that mug.  I'm only an aunt and my love is like THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS
big.  I'm SO glad I didn't have to wait until Christmas to meet this precious girl.


Exhibit D:

Baby Kai was born on November 14th!!  He arrived safe and happy and looking just like his daddy.  I wish I could say I met him in person but only Mom, Dad, and Grandma Eileen have VIP passes at the time.  However, I'm hoping to prove my status as #1 fan and get backstage sometime soon.  I'm gonna need some serious snuggles when I do!

Shelby Bock (She'll be bock!)

Meet Shelby!  As you've probably observed from this picture she is much cuter than your niece.  We haven't met in person but I know a few things which make her pretty much perfect:

a. She is a trendsetter.  Check the headband, folks!
b. She knows how to pose.  Notice the puckered lips.
c. She's pretty and funny. Shelby Bock (pretty).  She'll be bock! (funny).
d. She has beautiful eyes.
e. She 1 part Robyn and 1 part George and who wouldn't love that combination? Refer to C.
f. She's making a trip up to Spokane to say hello to her adoring fans.

Chloe and Shelby have stolen my heart :)  And there's a nephew still gettin' womb service in Bainbridge that I'd like to meet very soon!  I'm a pretty lucky Auntie, wouldn't you say?