It's funny how almost everything major that I've ever wanted in my life has come true. I haven't gotten to the kids part of that (and I'm fine waiting on that one) but pretty much everything else has played out exactly as planned. You know how plans never work out and you have to change them? Well, I didn't. My plans actually worked and I got what I wanted.
But I changed my mind somewhere along the way about a big part of that plan...my big goal...my life dream in a way. I realized that after all that dreaming, schooling, time, and money that I loved the idea of being a counselor more than I actually loved being a counselor. Silly in a way but how can I can I be mad at myself when I had to go through it all to actually figure that out? I'm lucky to have my husband and the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life as anchors so I don't feel like I've completely fallen down a hole of uncertainty.
If I'm being honest, I had doubts early on. By the last half of my internship I had major doubts as panic and dread filled me up to the brim on my morning drive there. I considered looking for jobs unrelated to the field but I looked for
anything--related or not. And if you've ever been unemployed for longer than a month, you begin to get excited about any prospect. So when I finally got an offer for a counseling job I certainly wasn't going to turn it down. Besides, I wanted to give it my all before I discarded my dream. Maybe this time would be different, better. But nothing, not my wonderful work family or even my really cozy new office could make it better for me. At the end of the day, after all my positive self talk, all my prayers, all my little strategies to lower my anxiety about it I couldn't help but be so glad it was over.
What I'm trying to say here is that I tried. I had a dream, I chased it, I threw money that wasn't mine at it (hooray for paying back loans for the rest of my life!). And even though I'm kind of in this weird place now because of it, I don't entirely regret it because at least I tried. I tried to do something hard and meaningful and helpful in the world.
So, world, I'm not turning out to be the person I had envisioned. Instead, I'm a poorer, uselessly educated, career hopping kind of a girl with a job that no one probably cares too much about. I'm seeing my last few clients for the next few Mondays and working at an accounting firm for the rest of the week until I can come on full-time. And I know that I'm probably smarter than my new job but that's kind of what I'm enjoying about it right now--it doesn't need me to care too much or worry about it when I leave or feel guilty for not having done a better job. Maybe one day I'll figure out my true calling in life and it will matter to me and to someone else but for today, I've manage to narrow it down to "not counseling."
As far as dreams go, I'm still a believer and my advice to anyone else would be to chase them in spite of fears and failure! I guess that's the thing about dreaming. It's risky. And even though this one flopped, I think I'd regret
not chasing it more than I regret the debt and deflation of failure.
